kan't keep runnin away

so in a couple of days, i make my made dash towards the more middle side of the USA. i will makes tents and sew buffalo hide to trade with the indians and kill fish to share with the bears.

but leaving is kinda hard to do. to up and leave, all for a job. and there are a few people that i am really going to miss. more than 99% of the other people. it has been on my mind and has kept me up for the last couple of nights. i will miss the laughter a lot. but it was interesting to have to wrestle with issues of understanding. i wish it would all work out, but i know that we will all move on. sometimes though.

i don't keep many memories of people either. we were talking earlier today about our favorite memories of each other, and i couldn't remember any memories of people. if they triggered a memory, i could then recall it. but just to pull it out of sky thin air, wasn't possible. i felt ashamed, and so i only asked one person.

well, i have had friends for 3 years now. that is close to the longest i have had friends. amanda brower is the only friend my age that i can honestly say we still stay in contact with. i've know her for 7 years.

what do i want to become in this new job? what kind of person do i want to describe myself as? how do i want to act? i remember coming to Belmont, i asked myself some of the same questions, and it was interesting because i didn't really change all that much from NWC to Belmont. i don't think. i do know that i became more cynical and less intellectual from the move. i don't have the big mind friends at belmont like i did at nwc. don't be offended my belmont friends, but i would say the 3 friends that i was closest to at nwc are all 4.0 and in grad school for sciences people. it's just the different culture. nwc was all about the mind, belmont was all about the soul. not so with my belmont friends. one of my belmont friends might go if she tried, one will work at her current job when she leaves, and he will probably get married not more than a year out of college and he'll be done after that.

i had only one true date at belmont too. it was within the first half of the first semester that i went on it, and after that, i spent a lot of time recovering from 2 relationships. can you believe that is where i have been? it does feel good to say some of this, but the wounds are still are raw and open. it is direct blood flowing in time.

but is it possible that there are others who are hurting more than myself at this moment? that's an oddly comforting and twisted thought. especially if they were hurting because of me. cause i am not at ease with me leaving certain peeps, but i don't know how they felt about me. cause there wasn't much time when i knew how i felt about these smiling faces and times that caused us to be apart for long times. but i feel that this was a tree that i trimmed too soon and then burned the rest around it to the ground. sorry.

i feel that i am a darker man than i have realized. or allowed.

MUSIC CONNECTION COLLECTION
#1 in your hearts - Lay Lady Lay by Magnet i have fallen in love with this song, maybe because it has a connection
#2 in my toes - This Grind by D.O.
#3 tomorrow - Little Better by Gnarls Barkley really like the lyrics and beats that come out of this duo
#4 for your friends -

Today, I thought about my favorite type of music.

Here are the attributes:
it is airy - has a lot of reverb and space to the song
it is simply arranged - drums, bass, strings, synth, perc toys and vocals are my favorite. maybe it's just me being a piano player, but i have not interest in the guitar.
there is a solid groove - driven by the bass or hi hat
the lyrics are singable
it keeps my attention - the vocals aren't always in my face, there are rests in the music, male singers. i just don't like girl vocals. a good breakdown is worth 3 stars.


5 things i'll miss about nashville
not having a real job
living close to friends
the weather
there isn't much of a corporate culture
the musicians