so why did my history just show up on the awebs? well, cause i am in this place of confusion. and i feel like i have a hard time trying to put it all together.
i talked with john. a john you don't know.
he said some things that i had said to myself a couple of years ago, when i was first wrestling with these questions. to summarize:
well, you might have the answers, you might not. even a lifetime of searching might not get you answers. be open to both sides, cause it is natural people trying to understand supernatural events. it is good to know about all the points, but that isn't the goal. close the conversation when it gets angry cause it's not going anywhere.
so there are no answers. and i'm at peace with this.
come holy spirit, and refresh my soul. time for prayer and silence.
now it is time to become conditioned to not having control. am i ready? HAHAHAHHAZ, no. so i feel like i make my own decisions, which is really isn't the truth. i find t
hat my job leaves a lot out of my control. like the paycheck. or the phone call.i guess that i need to translate that into a spiritual practice. i feel like i'm really going to fall upon my face. who likes to give up control? no one. it makes us feel powerful. one of those things right up there with sex and money. which are kind of like fire, they always can have more.
so i don't know what to do. i could give up. i could leave this all behind. which i've done before. it's about time for to do it too. i usually only last about 2-3 years in a circle or so, before i don't give a shit anymore. then, i see the politicos/feuds/love triangles that make me hate.
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